


Gently Does It

by waterfallliam



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016), Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Canon Compliant, Case Fic, Established Relationship, Intercrural Sex, Kissing, M/M, Other Characters Are Mentioned, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 18:12:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9619202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterfallliam/pseuds/waterfallliam
Summary: "Dirk Gently and Todd Brotzman from the agency." Dirk did his best to sound professional, which meant not mentioning Todd was his amazing boyfriend and that they were excited about the case.Dirk and Todd work a case where they help out Harriet and Jane, whose cat is behaving mysteriously.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic wouldn't have been written without encouragement from [paenteom](http://archiveofourown.org/users/paenteom), who is not only great at encouragement + inspiration, but is a lovely writing buddy and an excellent editor and very good at naming characters!! <3  
> It all started with me thinking of the pun "Gently does it" while making coffee + I then had the idea to turn it into like a leitmotif, which turned into >10k :) hope you enjoy it!!

 

The first thought Dirk Gently had when he awoke was  _ yellow _ . His curtains filtered the morning sunlight streaming in through his window, bathing his small bedroom — most of the space was taken up his large bed and almost equally large wardrobe — in a warm yellow glow.

The first thing Dirk Gently did was roll over inelegantly and check the time — five minutes before his alarm was set to ring.

“Of course,” he muttered to himself. Though he considered just laying there, enjoying another five minutes of warmth and drowsiness, there was a day just waiting for him to live it. 

He pushed the covers down until they scrunched at his feet before standing. His body still felt a little stiff from sleep, but after a few stretches he felt good as new. 

“Right.” Dirk reached for his phone, turned the alarm off and set his favourite playlist to play. He made his bed again in under a minute.

“Another day,” he greeted himself in the mirror of his bathroom, a smile on his face. Then, seeing the rumpled state of his hair, he scowled. After a swill of brightly coloured mouthwash the unpleasant taste in his mouth was gone, at least.

The water from the shower was warm and soothing, as was the way he massaged his scalp when applying shampoo, then after rinsing, conditioner. The scrub of his bath sponge was pleasant and the foam amusing.

When Dirk was done, he stood in front of the mirror, towel slung around his hips, and set to work on his hair. Hairdryer, then the comb, and finally styling.

“Gently does it,” Dirk muttered as he got the strands to sit perfectly. Satisfied, he moved onto the momentous task of picking out an outfit. Normally he’d eat first, but, as had become a habit, he was going round to Todd’s (meaning up two flights of stairs) to eat breakfast with him. It was nice to share that quiet time in the morning — the time of day when things didn’t quite seem to be happening — with someone else. 

Pants, trousers, socks, undershirt (always a good start), a light yellow shirt (to match the sunny day), a tie (dark blue) with a pattern of miniature clocks and finally, his new jacket: red (scarlet), with a black stripe down one side by the zip. 

“Brilliant!”

Turning the music off and slipping his phone into his pocket and his wallet in the other, a final check in the mirror, and to make sure all the lights were off, was all Dirk needed before leaving, taking care to lock up behind himself.

Two flights of stairs later Dirk smiled at Todd Brotzman’s door. Two quick knocks and five bounces on the balls of his feet was all it took and Todd was opening the door. A surprisingly naked Todd.

“Hey babe,” Todd grinned, and Dirk didn’t know where to look. His gaze went from Todd’s beautiful smiling face to where his jeans were unbuckled and open, to where soft, brown hair curled along the lines of his chest, to how pale his toes looked against the floor, and back up to his beautiful smile, which was slowly turning into a smirk.

“Good morning,” Dirk said, tugging at the hem of his jacket.

Todd stepped back, stifling a yawn and Dirk entered his apartment, toeing his shoes off in a very unamerican way.

“Sleep well?” Dirk enquired, deciding to take his jacket off. He needed to roll his sleeves up if he was going to cook. 

“Missed you,” Todd said, turning suddenly and hooking his fingers in Dirk’s belt loops. 

“Darling – ” Dirk felt his face go through more than one expression. He let his jacket fall onto Todd’s sofa and brought his palms to Todd’s elbows before sliding them up his arms.

“I already brushed my teeth,” Todd grinned. Dirk thought he looked beautiful.

“Is than an invitation?” Dirk couldn’t help but feel excited. He tapped his fingers over Todd’s shoulders like he was playing the piano.

Todd giggled. “Yes.”

Dirk slid his hands up to cup Todd’s face and leaned in, his eyes sliding shut. What started as gentle, insistent pressure quickly became more languorous. Dirk angled his head, one of his hands moving to stroke the nape of Todd’s neck. When Todd pulled at his belt loops, dragging Dirk closer, he gasped.

“Todd,” Dirk pulled back, a lock of hair falling in his face, “we just got up.”

“It’s early yet,” Todd smiled, not so subtly shifting from foot to foot, gently rubbing his crotch against Dirk’s. “And we don’t have a case to work.”

“Well, I suppose the universe did lead me here,” Dirk half joked. He wouldn’t be here without Todd, not really. A relationship was comprised of two people, after all. 

But before he had the chance to tell Todd, or roll his hips against Todd’s in reply, his phone began to ring, shattering the moment. Todd took a step back, a small smile on his face.

“Guess that’s what happens when you tempt fate.”

Dirk frowned at his ringing phone, but answered all the same. He listened attentively, ooh-ing and ah-ing at all the right times and, of course, accepted the case, but his eyes followed Todd. 

It wasn’t like Dirk to be distracted from a case, even a brand new one. He could feel something weighing on his mind, words that were going unspoken.

“Eggs or toast or both?” Todd asked.

Dirk blinked and followed him into the kitchen, the heat between them dissipated, stored away for later.

“I’m in the mood for both.” He stored the words away for later, too.

“Are we going to be having a busy day?”

“Yes.”

“Great.” 

Dirk hopped onto a free counter, content to watch Todd as he cooked and swing his legs, gently bumping his heels into the cupboard again and again.

“Farah’s still with Amanda, so it’ll be just the two of us,” Dirk said as Todd flipped their omelets.

“Yeah,” Todd replied, turning briefly to offer Dirk a smile.

“Have you heard from her or Amanda in the last few days?”

“They both seem happy.” Todd dug his phone out of his pocket and showed Dirk a picture of the two of them kissing, standing beside the Rowdy 3, in front of their van and a burnt orange sunset.

“They do,” Dirk said fondly. “They absolutely do.”

Todd and Dirk sat across from each other, starting on their breakfast.

“So, what’s this new case?” Todd asked just as Dirk had shoveled what was probably too large a bite into his mouth. Dirk chewed as fast as he could.

“Well, it’s about a missing cat. Her name is Mrs Muggles and her owner, Mrs Dove called. Apparently she found our card on the street, which just shows – ”

“The universe has it’s ways.” 

“Exactly,” Dirk stabbed the air with his fork. “However, her cat is not missing as in ‘she doesn’t know where she is’.”

“Then how is the cat missing?” Todd sounded confused. “Doesn’t missing mean something’s vanished and no one knows where it is?”

Dirk pursed his lips. “Harriet said it was best if she showed us. But someone would know, even if they didn’t know that they know. The universe would know.”

Todd frowned.

“Holistically,” Dirk clarified.

“Has she contacted the police?”

“No.”

“Did she say why she called us?”

“Because of the ‘no case is too strange for us’ on the card.”

Todd laughed. “We have Amanda to thank for that.”

“We should make sure it stays on. Maybe we should even make it’s font bigger.” Dirk spreads his hands above his head. “Make it bold.”

Todd laughed, and caught one of Dirk’s hands in own. Dirk squeezed it fondly.

“So, I’m guessing we’re going over to her place after breakfast?” Todd asked.

“Yes,” Dirk nodded, his plate almost empty.

“Okay,” Todd smiled, and Dirk felt that all was right in the world.

They finished their meal and put their dishes into the sink to soak; Dirk was so eager to start on their new case that he was rushing to put his jacket and shoes on. 

“You got your meds?” Dirk checked when they were both ready.

“Yeah, I do.”

Todd locked up — two locks, courtesy of Farah. Dirk never ceased to be amazed by her. He’d been even more amazed when Amanda had demonstrated her lock picking ability.

“So, where are we headed?”

“It’s across town. It shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes. You’ll drive?”

"Sure."

They walked out the building side by side, and slid into the car — a more sensible one than the electric blue sports car Dirk had been driving when they first met — completely in sync.

Dirk batted the air freshener tree they had dangling from the mirror as Todd started the engine. It sprung to life with a satisfying growl. Dirk turned the radio up, and he and Todd nodded and sang along as they drove, Dirk getting very much into it with gestures and dramatic expressions. It was something they did when they didn't have case details to discuss or were too tired from working a case.

Todd parked the car a couple of streets away from where Mrs Dove lived. They weren't expecting to have bad guys chase them, and sometimes a little caution paid off, especially considering how prone to destroying things some of the people they met were.

"You said her name is Harriet Dove, right?"

"Yes, and we're to find her cat, Mrs Muggles."

"Okay, just checking."

Mrs Dove's apartment block looked like the others on the street — red brick, windows that could be larger but probably weren't due to heat insulation — apart from the dark green door. It made Dirk smile.

Dirk stopped a few feet away from it and craned his neck, trying to get a look at the roof. All he could see was an old TV antenna.

Todd was already at the door. Dirk joined him as he pressed Mrs Dove's buzzer.

"Who is it?" The voice sounded tinny as it resounded from the speaker above the names.

"Dirk Gently and Todd Brotzman from the agency." Dirk did his best to sound professional, which meant not mentioning Todd was his amazing boyfriend and that they were excited about the case.

"The agency? Oh, yes, right. I'm in 4b." The door buzzed and Todd let them in. They rode the lift up. Once there, Dirk knocked on Mrs Dove's door multiple times with a flourish.

The door opened a crack.

"Are you the detectives?"

"Yes, we spoke on the phone. I'm Dirk Gently, holistic detec — "

"Yes, yes, I recognise your voice. Come in."

She unhooked the lock and opened the door. She had thick rimmed glasses and was wearing a suit. Behind her, Dirk had already spotted a cat palace beside a sofa that was practically falling apart.

She closed the door behind them and saw where Dirk was looking.

"It's awful isn't it? Jane insists we keep it. She says it's because it's the first thing we bought for our apartment together." Harriet shook her head, a fond look in her eyes.

Dirk felt his heart melt a little.

"So, about Mrs Muggles?" Todd had taken out the notepad he'd began to carry with him at all times, and was ready to take notes.

"We adopted her on our third anniversary, you know," Mrs Dove said, leading them into the kitchen. "You two want some tea?"

"Yes, please," Dirk said. Todd nodded.

"It's sencha green tea," Mrs Dove explained as she set it to brew.

"So, Mrs Dove – " Todd starts.

"Oh, please, call me Harriet." She turned to give them a brief smile.

"So, what's the deal with your cat?"

"Well," she began, placing mugs on the table and motioning to the two of them to sit down. "It started about three months ago."

Dirk thought back along his mental timeline. They'd had the agency up and running for about two months. Two and a half months ago he'd been taken hostage again by Blackwing — his friends had rescued him heroically, of course — so it would have been, well, just when he met Todd, or even before he'd met Todd. 

"She kept going up to the roof, even when Jane would bring her back down. We had to begin feeding her up there. She's still friendly, but far less active than she used to be. We thought it might stop after a week or two — it's so unlike her. I've read pages upon pages online, consulted multiple professionals — but no one has any idea about what could cause such a change in behaviour. I reached out to a friend in the police department, but no one else had recorded any weird cat cases."

Harriet sighed and poured their tea.

"So no one has any theories on how or why this happened?" Dirk asked.

Harriet put her hands on her cheeks, elbows on the table, her gaze fixed on her steaming cup.

"No, no theories." She sounded sad.

"So she's up there right now?"

"Yes. But I haven't gotten to the weirdest part yet: she's collecting random objects. Junk, mostly. I think she leaves the roof to get them. She carries them back between her teeth, you see, so there's nothing too large, but she's acquired quite the pile."

Dirk sipped his tea. It was pleasant.

"The tea's lovely, thank you," Dirk smiled. "We should really go see this cat for ourselves, don't you think, Todd?" Todd nodded.

"You're right, it's probably best. There is a ladder up to the roof inside the building, but Jane's been using the ladder on the outside of the building to climb up." Harriet shook her head as she spoke. "She's always been a bit of a risk taker. She usually feeds her. We go up together quite often. I miss Mrs Muggles terribly."

"We'll take up some food now if you like," Todd offered.

"That'd be lovely. Jane's in town, catching up with an old friend over lunch."

Dirk waited impatiently as Todd helped Harried prepare a bag of food. He finished his tea and tied his shoelaces again.

"You'll have to climb, I'm afraid. I’ll go open the door to the ladder for you.”

But at the other end of the hallway, the door was stuck.

“How strange,” Harriet said. “You’ll have to go up the outside of the building then, I’m afraid.”

The returned to Harriet’s apartment. Harriet limped over and opened the window with an apologetic smile. 

"Not a problem. I'm an excellent climber. I have yet to encounter a tree, fence or ladder that I cannot climb." Dirk was feeling very optimistic about the case. There was a real mystery here.

Dirk went first, clambering onto the ledge none too gracefully.

"The ladder is right by the window, Todd. It's easy to reach," Dirk called as he slowly moved across. He was suddenly glad it wasn't winter. He didn't want to think about how cold the metal would be or whether he would survive a fall from four stories.

"Okay, I'm just behind you."

"Good luck," Harried said, "I'll leave the window open for when you're ready to come down."

"Thank you," Todd said and then Dirk felt him clambering onto the ladder beside him.

Dirk hadn't moved yet, and instead was curiously looking at the window on the other side of the ladder. A window that would look into apartment 4a, were the view not blocked by thick looking black curtains.

"What's up Dirk?" Todd asked. "Need me to push your bum?" Todd's voice was beginning to sound more flirtatious. Dirk blushed, but kept staring at that window.

"There's something about apartment 4a..."

Just as he said it, the curtain parted a little, just enough for a face to peek through. The stranger's expression turned from boredom to one of shock when he saw Dirk staring right at him. Then he was gone again.

"Most curious," Dirk muttered, and began to climb, Todd right behind him.

After Dirk had clumsily clambered onto the roof in what was more of a body roll than anything else, he quickly took a few steps away from the edge. He explained what he had seen to Todd, but he didn't seem to be giving Dirk his full attention.

"She wasn't exaggerating about there being pile," Todd said, as if he didn't quite believe what he was seeing.

"Indeed." Dirk beheld the pile of knick knacks, most of them shiny, that came up to about the middle of Todd's shin. And there she was, Mrs Muggles, looking as if they had come to inspect her kingdom.

"Hello, Mrs Muggles," Dirk said and waved. Mrs Muggles didn't even acknowledge him. She was staring at Todd, or rather the plastic bag with cat food in it.

Todd cautiously approached her. "I've got some food for you, Mrs Muggles."

"Harriet said it was your favourite," Dirk adds.

"I'm just going to pour it in your bowl," Todd says slowly.

Mrs Muggles only blinked, her amber eyes piercing in contrast to her black fur.

As soon as Todd had stepped back beside Dirk, Mrs Muggles stood and walked forward. She then began to eat, occasionally lapping at her half full water bowl.

"So, what do we do now?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe look at the stuff she's collected? It might give a clue as to where's she's been, her behaviour and – and I feel like doing it."

"A leaf in the stream of creation," Todd muttered, but Dirk ignored him in favour of striding over confidently.

Once close, he spotted car keys amidst the assortment of what, really, was mostly rubbish: old CDs, tin foil, odd bits and pieces, a few paper clips, a few stones, a necklace with a broken clasp, a lighter. The list was almost endless. Dirk picked the keys up. Maybe someone was missing them.

Dirk heard a hissing noise. He turned to find the cat surprisingly not hissing at him, but at Todd. She was batting at his leg, her eyes fixed on his shoulder. He was wearing his repaired denim jacket. She seemed to be staring straight at his badge with a sparkly skull on it.

"Hey, what do you want? I don't have any more food," Todd said, taking a step back. "Oh wait."

Todd reached into his pocket and threw a treat down to her. She caught it between her teeth, then returned to sit in front of her pile of treasure to devour it. Dirk edged away, not wanting to leave Todd to face down Mrs Muggles alone.

Suddenly a magpie swooped down from the sky and landed on Todd's shoulder. Todd, to his credit, didn't look that surprised.

"Todd, I'm going to try to touch it," Dirk said, suddenly resolute.

"Dirk, are you sure that's a good idea? Magpies can be extremely vicious."

"I'm going to do it." Dirk stretched his hand out towards the Magpie, "Gently does it," he said and stroked his thumb over it's head. Weirdly, it began to purr.

"Dirk, you can hear that, too, right?"

"Yes, yes – I can. You, uh, know what this means, right?"

They both looked at the cat again, who was licking the rest of her meal out of the bowl.

“They got swapped!”

“Rimmer must have done it when they were experimenting with souls,” Todd sighed.

“We have to go swap them back! Dirk looked thoughtful for a second. “I know! We can use the machine at Springfield mansion, and we can do the swappy thing and Harriet and Jane can finally have their cat back!”

"Yes... that's a plan." Todd looked at the magpie, traces of mistrust still evident on his face.

"Have you had previous inci – encounters with magpies?" Dirk asked, suddenly very curious. "I myself once had a very vexing encounter with an angry swan. It was terrifying Todd, the way its beak loomed, well not loomed – but pecked. Pecked!"

"Um, I can't say I have?"

Dirk frowned.

"I have a healthy level of fear, okay."

Dirk continued to frown, his mind already contemplating the next problem. He was like that. Todd didn't have an issue with magpies, so Dirk could stop being concerned for now. Next up was the problem of how to transport the magpie.

"You don't suppose Harriet has a cage — a bird cage — we could borrow?"

"I... I don't know?" Todd seemed frozen to spot, as if he didn't want to disturb the magpie.

"I'll go check."

"What about the cat? Harriet said she was unwilling to leave the roof."

Dirk frowned again, his face scrunched up in concentration.

"Alright, I'm gonna try – something."

Dirk didn't wait for Todd to reply and stalked over to the cat.

"Dirk, no," Todd hissed, but Dirk didn't pay him any heed. He approached the cat in a manner that he hoped was careful yet confident.

"Hey, hey there," Dirk smiled. "We've haven't met yet. I'm Dirk, and – well, I don't suppose you have a name, being a magpie and all."

Dirk carefully stretched out his hand for the cat to smell. After a wary look and some even warier sniffing, the magpiecat reached out and rubbed its head against Dirk's palm, her tail flicking up and down rapidly, almost like a wing would. Dirk felt confused, but disregarded the feeling, because really, he rarely  _ didn't _ feel confused.

"Great, excellent!" Dirk turned to aim his smile at Todd.

"I'll go get a cage for our friend Mrs Muggles."

Todd rolled his eyes again, but Dirk was used to it. The descent was easier than the ascent until he had to climb back in the window.

"How is Carter?" Dirk heard Harriet's voice. Who was Carter?

"She's well. She seemed happy, really happy." This was someone else, someone new.

"Harriet," Dirk called out, glad he'd thought to tie his shoelaces again as one of legs swung about haphazardly.

"I got you." It was the stranger.

Climbing back inside was easy with help. This woman was surprisingly strong for someone her age, like some of the people Dirk had… known at Blackwing.

"I'm Jane," she said, a half smirk on her face.

"Ah, yes, Harriet told me about you!" Dirk smiled his best smile. "Thank you for the, uh, assistance."

"Not a problem." Then Jane was moving away again to stand beside Harriet, linking their fingers together.

Dirk felt awkward in the couple’s presence, but they had a case to solve, so he steeled himself. "Okay, so, Harriet, I was wondering if you had a bird cage we could borrow?"

"A bird cage?" Harriet sounded confused, bordering on offended, an eyebrow raised.

"What for?" Jane asked.

"Mrs Muggles got soul swapped with a magpie by a," Dirk paused, struggling to find words, "bunch of cult-y do-badders, probably just over three months ago, making her behave like, well, a magpie."

Harriet blinked at him owlishly, while Jane frowned.

"So... Mrs Muggles is trapped in a magpie?" Harriet still looked confused.

"Yes," Dirk nodded.

"But you can switch them back?" Jane asked, her voice low like before, but the worry in the crease of her brow was obvious to Dirk.

"Yes. Yes, we will. We just need to get them to the super secret soul swappy machine."

They were lucky, Harriet and Jane, they were very lucky. After the time loop had closed, none of the machines had survived. Even though they doubted they could ever find the original shark, Dirk often wondered if Kittenshark longed to be back in its own body. But she seemed happy.

Even so, when his friends had teamed up with Ken to retrieve him and Bart from the CIA, Ken had had the idea that some animals — some humans even — must still be trapped. They might need another machine to reverse the damage that had already been done. So Ken had built another one while they'd plotted and planned.

"Well, we don't have a bird cage," Harriet smoothed down her shirt with her free hand, the other clutching Jane's tightly, "but would a cat transporter box do?"

"It might? It just might."

Harriet looked at Jane who nodded.

"I'll get it," Jane said, and promptly disappeared into another room.

She was back within a minute, saving Dirk from saying something embarrassing.

"Thanks, darling," Harriet said, pressing a brief kiss to Jane's shoulder. Dirk didn't miss Jane's smile.

Dirk grabbed the cat box, not wanting to disturb the couple for longer. This time he shrugged his jacket off and draped it over a chair before returning to the window.

"Be right back!" And he was out the window again, cat box awkwardly clutched to his side. The climb was harder this time, but Dirk chucked the box over the ledge ahead of himself, barrel-rolling after it.

“You okay?” Todd asked dubiously, eyeing Dirk with concern. 

"Got a box," Dirk said helpfully. He quickly stood, opened it and guided the magpie inside. The magpie — or rather, Mrs Muggles — was incredibly well behaved.

Then came the tricky part: getting the magpiecat to go down with them.

"I can get you your body back," Dirk promised, even though he was unsure if the cat would understand him.

"Here, c'mon," Dirk cooed, offering his hand. When the magpiecat was in range, he grabbed it and  draped it around his shoulders like some kind short scarf.  _ Gently does it. _ The claws stung against his skin, but Dirk didn't care.

"Just stay there, alright, gorgeous?" He said softly. Turning back to Todd, he saw him regarding Dirk with an odd look.

"Don't worry, I think you're gorgeous, too. More gorgeous, in fact. Morgeous!" Dirk watched Todd blush and felt rather pleased with himself.

The descent was tricky, but they managed it. Soon enough they were standing in Jane and Harriets' kitchen again. Dirk placed the magpiecat on the table — she was being surprisingly docile — and shrugged his jacket on again.

"Is that..." Harriet said haltingly, stepping forward. "Is that Mrs Muggles?"

"Yes," Todd answered.

"Don't worry, we'll get her back in no time!" Dirk promised.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Jane met Harriet's eyes, instantly tensing. Dirk was surprised when she pulled a gun from the back of her waistband. Her suit jacket must have been hiding it from view...

"I'll get it," Jane said, and the three of them, magpiecat and Mrs Muggles hung back, hidden by a conveniently located bookshelf.

"FBI, open up!" A loud, deep voice rang out from the other side of the door. Jane sighed and stuffed the gun back into her waistband.

"Opening the door now," Jane said, her voice level.

She opened the door to reveal two men standing there. The one on the left was wearing a purple suit and the other a slate gray one.

"I'm Agent Plum," the man in the purple suit said.

"And I'm Agent White," the second continued. "May we come in?"

"What's this about?" Jane asked, crossing her arms and denying them entry with her body.

"We, uh, saw something disturbing out the window!"

"The window?"

"Yes, we're – we're your neighbours!"

"4a?" Harriet enquired, stepping out beside Jane, curling an arm around her waist protectively.

"Then you're trespassing," she said darkly.

Agent Plum and Agent White shared a brief look. "It belongs to a shell company, it's not going to be on the market for another six months-"

"Yes, a shell company I own," Harriet asserted, authoritative and intimidating.

"I – what?"

"And, legally," Harriet readjusted her glasses, "it's unlawful for you to even be there!" Jane melted against Harriet a little.

"Yeah!" Dirk said, stepping forward, magpiecat in his hands.

Harriet sent an irritated frown his way, but Dirk was too caught up in the moment to care.

"You – that's the – " Agent White started, pointing a finger at Dirk.

"That's our suspect!" Agent Plum finished, looking like he wanted to get at Dirk, but Harriet and Jane were in his way and they were formidable.

"The cat is your suspect?" Jane asked, bewildered.

"This cat – this criminal! – has been stealing!" Agent White exploded.

"It even stole my car keys," Agent Plum sighed.

"These?" Dirk fished the keys he'd pulled out of the magpiecat's hoard earlier.

"Yes!"

Dirk chucked them over to Agent Plum, the keys glinting in the light. Harriet continued to look rather unimpressed.

"How exactly does a cat – who, may I add, cannot be considered a criminal – merit the attention of two FBI agents?!" Harriet stared them down hard, and Agent White even took a step back. The magpiecat wriggled in Dirk's hands but Dirk kept his grip tight.

"It's," Agent Plum spluttered, "it's classified."

"Exactly!" Agent White said.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

"Really?" Harriet asked.

Agent White let out a growl of rage.

"Gentlemen, agents, gentleagents please calm down," Dirk said, earning him a murderous glare from Agent White. "We’ve already solved the case."

Todd stepped forward as well, raising his free hand in a somewhat awkward wave.

"Solved the case? What case?" 

Dirk idly wondered if the Doves would be getting noise complaints from their neighbours for this.

"The case! You see, this cat," Dirk held the magpiecat over his head, "is not a cat."

"It's not?" Agent Plum said.

"Oh no it isn't!" Dirk felt his favourite grin swim onto his face. "Well, it is still the body of a cat – it looks, feels, sounds and probably even tastes like a cat – but it's not! Don't let yourselves be fooled. It is, in fact, a magpie in a cat's body."

"A what?" Agent White had calmed down enough to look torn between whether he was supposed to be amused or irritated.

"We're private detectives," Todd said before Dirk could continue, "we deal with strange cases. And we believe — no, we know for a fact — that the souls of this magpie," Todd held up the cat box he was holding, "and that cat," he pointed at the magpiecat in Dirk’s arms, "have been swapped. We were just going to go and swap them back."

No one said anything for a few seconds.

"Wait, you're taking the cat away?" Agent Plum cocked his head.

"Yes," Todd answered.

"To a location that is not here? A location that is possibly very far from here?" Agent White asked.

"Yes!" Dirk answered, desperation leaking into his voice. Of course they'd be returning with Mrs Muggles, but not the magpiecat. It would never return to Mrs and Mrs Dove's lovely apartment. Therefore to say it's wouldn't come back was a truthful, if misleading, way of putting it.

"Is there anything else you wanted?" Harriet asked, not unkindly, but with a steely undertone that threatened.

“No, no,” Agent Plum said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“C’mon, we have… other classified things to be doing,” Agent White said.

“Of course. Good day!” And with that, Agent Plum slid, slipping his hand into Agent White’s grasp as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Harriet didn't deign reply. Instead, she shut the door more forcefully than necessary, keeping an arm firmly wrapped around Jane.

"Well that went better than our last encounter with the FBI, don't you think, Todd?"

"Yes, they didn't try to kill us this time," Todd smiled.

That merited a slightly worried look from Harriet, but Jane seemed almost bemused.

"Almost die a lot, do you?" She smirked, and Harriet rolled her eyes indulgently.

"So, you're going to go to the place with the machine to restore Mrs Muggles to her body?" Harriet asked, not sounding completely confident. Nevermind, Dirk could balance it out with a nice dose over overconfidence.

"Yes, yes we are. We should be back in a few hours."

"You need... back up?" Jane asked, concerned.

"No it's quite alright, we're detectives, we know what we're doing – we have cards and everything!"

Jane just looked more worried.

"Don't worry, Mrs Dove, I can keep an eye on them from here. We had plans for this afternoon anyway. Promises I intend to keep." Harriet said, leaning in close to Jane. Dirk wasn't sure he was supposed to have heard.

The effect of her words was instant, and Jane looked far more relaxed than she had a few seconds ago.

"Sure," she grinned.

"Okay, we'll be seeing you then," Dirk said and he and Todd left.

"They were lovely, weren't they?" Todd said as they walked down the stairs. He was cradling the cage to his chest carefully.

"Yes, quite."

"So, do we actually have a key to the mansion?" They'd decided to keep their new machine stored with the apparatus. Farah had turned the place into even more of a fortress in Lydia Spring’s absence. As far as Dirk could remember, she'd been settling in nicely, had made new friends, even met a girl, but she dearly missed her father, her home, and Farah most of all.

"No, but Farah said she left a key if we needed one," Dirk answered as they approached the car. Todd was clever enough to leave the transporter box on the backseat while Dirk strapped himself in, the magpiecat on his lap.

"What does that mean? Is it under the mat? Under a pot?"

"I think she knew I could find it if we need it," Dirk said, quietly pleased about how quickly Farah had understood the way in which he interacted with the world.

Sometimes he remembered how cool and smart his friends were and he was a bit overwhelmed.

"Okay, that's vague, but I trust you." And with that, Todd stepped on the pedal and they zoomed on their way.

Dirk stroked the magpiecat for the entirety of their short journey – but long enough for two and a half songs – and almost felt a pang of regret when they stopped. But a case took precedence, and Dirk felt himself get excited at the prospect of closing a case on the very same day as they got it. He said as much to Todd, who laughed: "It wasn't exactly a very complicated case, though, was it?"

"So? We're going make Harriet and Jane very happy."

"You're right."

Dirk went about getting the magpiecat secure on his shoulders, after removing his jacket first. Todd retrieved Mrs Muggles. They locked the car and approached the mansion.

"Where should we look?" Todd asked.

"Hmm," Dirk turned in a circle, before striding towards the house, "this way!"

They, ironically, walked to the potted plants. The looked under them quickly and methodically,  Mrs Muggles watching them with her beady magpie eyes, but to no avail.

"It's not here, Dirk. You don't think this will turn into a we have to dig what feels like a million holes well into the night, do you?"

"I picked the pots because you mentioned them."

"Oh."

"I should be thinking about what Farah would pick." Dirk stood up. She would definitely think of something clever, but Dirk didn't know what. He went to stand outside the garage, then under the porch, until he wandered back to Todd.

"No luck?"

"Not as such no. I was hoping our friend," Dirk prodded the magpiecat – a stupid move, but one that went ignored, "could maybe help, but no."

"Do you feel anything tugging you somewhere? Like a thread you have to pull on, or – "

"No, no. It doesn't work like that Todd. Situations, it's – " Dirk froze, his gaze caught on the wind chimes that hung from the arch over the driveway, just beside Todd’s ear.

"Situations," Dirk muttered and was standing under the chimes in seconds. These were no ordinary chimes – they were made up of keys.

"Do we just try all of them?" Dirk said, to himself mostly.

"No, Farah mentioned she'd set up booby traps when she redid the place."

"Ah." Dirk reached out and plucked a key out at random. "This should do it, then."

Todd had stopped looking sceptical when Dirk behaved like this a few months ago. Those looks were saved for rare occasions now. As cute as Dirk found that look, he much preferred Todd's smile, his look of fond admiration, the way his eyes crinkled when —

"I'll do it," Todd said, gently taking the key from Dirk. He leaned in for a quick peck on the lips, and though it only lasted about a second, Dirk felt positively gooey inside.

_ Love _ , Dirk mused.  _ What a strange thing _ . And it was: love, him, the universe; all of it strange, most of it weirdly wonderful in it's own way.

"Look," Todd said, calling Dirk over and rousing him from his thoughts. Dirk  _ was _ distracted today.

"We're in?"

Todd picked Mrs Muggles up and led them in. Even though the furniture was covered in white cloth, some of the upgrades in interior design were recognisable. A gun fight did tend to do some serious damage.

"I like what Farah's done with the place," Dirk commented, stopping to turn in a circle and drink it all in. Dirk wanted to say more, but he honestly couldn't tell if she'd improved upon how it'd looked before or just fixed everything.

"Yes," Todd said. Dirk was briefly reminded of how Todd's apartment had looked after the first visit from the Rowdy 3.

Suddenly the phone in Dirk's pocket buzzed. He read the text. It was from Harriet.

"Harriet just texted me to say we should bring the cat back tomorrow," Dirk held his fingers up in air quotes, "something came up."

“Do you have some cat food left over from when you were taking care of Kittenshark?” 

“Yes, yes. Unless Kittenshark chooses today to come back and starts a fight, we’ll be fine.”

“Is that likely?” Todd asked, confused.

“Well, Kittenshark would probably only return either in a time of great need or to put us in need,” Dirk said, pressing his lips together when he was done.

“That makes… sense,” Todd said. They’d arrived at the door that led down to the cellar.

“Right, I already have a key for this.” Dirk pulled out his ring of keys and slotted the right one in.  _ Gently does it. _

The door opened with a click, the lights came on with a crackle and their feet thudded heavily on the steps down. Standing in front of the machine again, Dirk couldn’t help but feel an uncomfortable itch. He had been shot, multiple times, in this very room. A little caution proved he had a modicum of common sense, at least.

They quickly positioned themselves, attached a clamp onto the transporter box and held the magpiecat against the opposite orb.

“A kiss for luck?” Todd asked, looking hopeful.

“Todd, you know I don’t believe in luck,” Dirk said, a smile tugging at his lips. He leaned in anyway, slotting their lips together over the crank for a few, blissful seconds.

“Okay,” Todd grinned, “let’s do this.” They turned the crank. Lightning crackled through the machine, through the cage and the cat, through them, through the room and it smelt like the earth itself had caught aflame. Then the bright light subsided and all four of them were still alive.

“Mrs Muggles, how are you feeling? Better to be in your body again, right?” Dirk cooed, stroking Mrs Muggles behind the ears. She purred.

Once upstairs again, all the lights inside the mansion turned off, the two doors between them and the cellar locked, Dirk attached his new key to his key ring.

The magpie was flapping around inside it’s cage. Todd was extra careful releasing it, not wanting to accidentally harm the bird. 

The ride back to the Ridgely was quiet; for once the journey passed without music. It was getting dark out, and upon realising that they hadn’t stopped for lunch, Todd stopped and picked up some take out. 

Once back at their home, Dirk left Mrs Muggles in his apartment with food and firm instructions not to scratch anything to bits. After a quick trip to the bathroom, Dirk left to eat dinner with Todd in his apartment.

Dirk let himself in this time, toeing his shoes off at the door and draping his jacket over the back of the couch like he had that morning. He sat down next to next to Todd, facing him and crossing his legs so that his knees pressed into the outside of Todd’s thigh.

“Got you your favourite,” Todd said, pressing a steaming hot box into Dirk’s palms and leaning over for a kiss. This was one of the many new things Dirk had learned about Todd Brotzman since the day he had asked Dirk out. It had been eighteen days and three hours since Dirk had successfully been broken out of Blackwing. Of course, they couldn’t be sure the CIA or US military weren’t keeping an eye on him or plotting, but there was little to be done about it until something more immediate happened.

For the first 13 and a half seconds Dirk had been stunned into silence. Todd was gorgeous, courageous, and kind and he wanted to go on a date? Dirk had hastily accepted, the now familiar flutter in his stomach making itself known. Of course he’d liked Todd before, had thought him beautiful, sexy, clever, amazing… all those kinds of things before Todd had asked him out, but, Dirk supposed, it was only when he did that Dirk realised he could want (and have) other things, not just friendship. Affection, romance, desire… love. 

Since their first date and kiss, Dirk had learned that Todd liked holding hands, liked small, quick kisses as well longer ones that made Dirk feel like an eternity could pass and he still wouldn’t feel happier, more at ease, than he did in those moments. 

He knew that Todd liked it when things got more heated, when Dirk snuck a hand down between them and palmed him through his jeans as his other hand tugged lightly on his hair.

The kiss ended, and Dirk reached over for a fork, loosening his tie a little and popping a button before digging into his noodles. 

“To yet another case solved by Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency.” Todd handed him and open can of something sweet and they clinked them together, careful not to splash.

“This was a great idea,” Dirk said, gesturing vaguely with his can. “You always have the best ideas, Todd.”

“Really?” Todd blushed. 

“Really,” Dirk said resolutely.

“Okay,” Todd said, a mischievous glint in his eye. He leaned forward, laying his hand over the one Dird was holding a fork with. He positioned his mouth close to Dirk’s ear. Todd’s warm breath was a little ticklish against his neck. 

“I have an idea about what we could do after we’ve finished eating,” Todd whispered. And just like that, the heat from the morning was back, crackling between them.

Dirk swallowed. “You do?”

“I was thinking, how do you feel about me eating you out?” Dirk felt his cheeks begin to burn. He loved it when Todd got sexy like this. His fist clenched around his fork.

“You better not fill up on your main course then.” Dirk managed to get his words out. “Just like when you go swimming.” 

Todd pulled back with an eyebrow raise, but didn’t comment. Dirk knew he was probably making even less sense to Todd than usual, but that’s what tended to happen when he got distracted.

Dirk finished his meal within minutes, and his impatience just grew as they packed the leftovers away into the fridge, side by side. Whenever Dirk felt himself brush against Todd, his anticipation increased.  He wanted to reach out and grab him, pull him close. Feel Todd grip his arse. 

By the time they were done, Dirk’s leg was bouncing up and down relentlessly.

Todd turned towards him and stepped closer, but not close enough to touch. Dirk closed the gap between them. Todd smiled and reached for his tie, but instead of undoing it, like Dirk had expected him to, Todd used it to tug him closer. So close, that their noses were almost touching.

“Hey,” Todd whispered, before closing the distance between them, his head tilted and lips soft. Dirk groaned, his hands reaching for Todd, grasping him firmly around on the hips. 

Dirk moaned as Todd deepened the kiss. Dirk's hands couldn't seem to stay still and  he didn't want them to, anyhow. They were roaming over Todd's rough denim shirt, under it, under his soft t-shirt and, finally, against his warm skin.

Todd gasped into the kiss as Dirk reached a hand up and rubbed over Todd's nipple with his thumb. His reaction only encouraged Dirk. He wanted to make Todd feel good, so good. He rolled his hips like he'd wanted to that morning. He repeated the motion few times, earning a shiver from Todd.

There'd been something else he'd wanted to do that morning, something he really, really wanted to do now.

"Todd," Dirk said as they broke apart, his voice a little raspy.

"Yes?" Todd said, leaning his forehead against Dirk's.

"Todd... I – I," Dirk took a deep breath and looked Todd right in the eyes, "I love you Todd Brotzman."

Todd froze for a few seconds, then grinned, his cheeks stretching. He rested one of his hands against Dirk's chest, steadying himself.

"I love you, Dirk Gently," Todd replied, his face and smile earnest as could be. "And right now, I want to take you to bed."

Well, that certainly wasn't a sentiment Dirk wanted to argue with. Todd tugged Dirk by the tie playfully and the two of them made their way to the bedroom, not shedding clothes or kissing, but rather making sappy, loving faces at each other.

Before Todd could start getting Dirk out of his clothes, Dirk hooked a finger in Todd's collar, tugged it down, and went to town on Todd's neck. He trailed kisses down from the corner of Todd's jaw to where his finger was hooked into his shirt, his kisses getting sloppier as he went.

"Can't you do that with my shirt off?" Todd whined, gently guiding Dirk off him by the shoulders.

"Yes, yes, that's a better idea," Dirk said, more than a little breathless.

Todd shrugged his shirt of effortlessly before tugging his undershirt off, reaching one hand behind head to grip the collar. Dirk resumed giving his utmost attention to kissing Todd as soon as Todd was done.

He started at Todd's jaw again, this time able to continue further down. He licked along Todd's collarbone, leaving it glistening in the soft light from the lamp beside Todd's bed. Todd's large bed.

"I think it would be better if we continued this horizontally," Dirk said suddenly, standing up straight. Todd opened his eyes, blinked a few times, then answered: "Okay."

Dirk rushed to undress himself, tugging at his tie insistently before just slipping his head through the loop. His buttons were fiddly, but he finally managed it. His socks were easy, oh so easy, in comparison, as was his belt. His trousers... that was another matter. They weren't exactly loose, per se. Dirk shoved them down his thighs roughly and hopped, hoping gravity would work with him for once.

It didn't.

Dirk shouldn't have been surprised as he landed on his arse, startling a laugh from an almost naked Todd.

"Bollocks," Dirk cursed, sitting up with as much dignity as he could muster.

"Aw, babe," Todd said, trying to hide his laugh. He ran his hand through Dirk's hair, leaned forward, bending to form a ninety degree angle, and smacked a kiss on Dirk's lips, more noise than pressure. The he was stepping out of his boxers and clambering onto the bed, spreading his legs invitingly.

Dirk wasted no time tugging the offending fabric off his legs — these trousers were going out of his rotation for at least two months — his boxers and undershirt following quickly. As eager as he was to join Todd, he made a slight miscalculation in his approach. In his enthusiasm, he not only half ran at the bed, but into it as well, banging his shins into the wooden frame.

"Ow!" Dirk exclaimed, falling into Todd's arms. Todd rubbed his shins soothingly and Dirk wondered how he could ever have been so lucky. Not that he believed in luck. Until Todd, the universe had had quite the habit of only thrusting him into quite unsavoury and dangerous situations. And while he still encountered such situations regularly, at least he did so with his brilliant, courageous and handsome boyfriend at his side.

"I love you," Dirk said again and turned to push Todd against the pillows. He licked along Todd's collarbone again, his knees on either side of Todd's hips. He was half hard and making Todd pant, and there was nowhere Dirk would rather be, ever.

Dirk moved to trace a line down between Todd's pectorals and got distracted by the triangle of moles there. He had seen them before, of course. Had given them the attention he felt they deserved — a lot — before, but today was a new day. Dirk ran his hands up and down Todd's sides softly, leaning down, his hair becoming a curtain between his and Todds' faces as he joined the three moles together with his tongue. And again. And again. Three times for three moles. Todd whined, sounding a little impatient, so Dirk decided to move on.

Dirk mouthed over Todd's nipple, eliciting a gasp from him. He swirled his tongue around and around before raising his eyes to look into Todd's. He could feel some spit hanging off his bottom lip, so he licked it.

"Right, I promised I'd eat you out and that's a promise I intend to keep!" Todd declared and began to sit up, motioning for Dirk to swap positions with him.

"I didn't realise you'd be so adamant about it," Dirk said, trying to get into position as quickly as possible.

"Is it okay?"

"Yes, yes, more than okay," Dirk said, the words falling off his tongue as fast as he could get his mouth open.

"You want this?" Todd checked.

"Yes darling, I want you," he pointed at Todd with his finger, "to stick your tongue up my arse."

"Oh, it'll be a bit more extensive than that," Todd chuckled and Dirk felt his dick throb.

Todd grabbed a pillow and motioned for Dirk to lift his hips so that he could slip it under them. Once there, Todd grinned at him before shimmying down and laying on his stomach. Dirk’s knees were bent and his feet were firmly planted on either side of Todd, as wide as he could comfortably manage. Even so, Todd still used this thumbs to part his cheeks further.

The first time Todd’s warm breath fanned across Dirk’s hole he squirmed. It felt a bit weird. He was used to the slick press of Todd’s thumb or finger, both of which didn’t compare to what Todd did next. He laid his tongue flat against Dirk’s hole. Dirk squealed.

“Feel good?” Todd asked, reappearing in Dirk’s field of view. 

“Yes,” Dirk panted.

Todd resumed pressing his tongue against Dirk’s hole, but didn’t stop there. He dragged it up, slowly, just teasing the opening with the tip of his tongue. He repeated the motion a few more times and Dirk watched his brown hair bob up and down through the clumpy strands of his own hair. Maybe he did use a bit too much gel, Dirk mused.

“Relax Dirk,” Todd said before licking again, “I’m going to make you,” another lick, “feel so,” and another, “good.”

Dirk let out a shuddering breath and forced his arse to unclench.

“Good,” Todd mumbled and started in earnest. Little licks that teased, a few of the longer, wetter ones in between and finally, one that swirled around and around before Todd plunged the tip inside.

Dirk gasped.

Todd continued and Dirk could feel himself begin to melt. His hole slowly loosened up under Todd's talented tongue. He was relentless.

Dirk sank against the sheets, his legs and bottom lip quivering. He let out a long moan.

"You're so good at this – I'm," Dirk managed to get out, digging his cheek into the cool pillow.

He felt Todd hum in response, the vibrations only making Dirk melt further. Todd just kept going, methodically taking Dirk a part lick by lick. Then he started thrusting.

"Bloody hell," Dirk moaned, his knuckles whiter than Todd's sheets.

Dirk whimpered when Todd pulled out.

"Why are you stopping?"

"Need a quick break," Todd said, grinning at Dirk, his hands moving to caress Dirk's thighs. Dirk took the opportunity to lean back on his elbows and flex his fingers. He licked his lips.

"You're so good to me," Dirk said, so aroused as not to care if he was being too intense. Sure, he rarely held back, he just wanted to make sure he got things right with Todd. He so desperately wanted things to be good between them.

"Maybe I should stick my tongue up your ass more often," Todd laughed. Dirk felt his eyes roll back involuntarily.

"Todd, the things you do to me," Dirk muttered, feeling hot all over.

"Rather, the things I'm going to do to you," Todd said, his voice low and sexy.

Dirk bit his lip and wiggled his hips. Todd stayed where he was, his grin turning into a smirk. His gaze then dropped from Dirk's face to his throbbing dick. Dirk reached out with a hand and tentatively rubbed his thumb over the head, smearing Dirk's precum as he went.

Dirk groaned, biting his bottom lip.

"I'm going to fuck you now, Dirk Gently," Todd said, giving Dirk's dick a brief squeeze before laying down again.

"Gently does it," Dirk panted, gripping the sheets again and relaxing his muscles.

Todd laughed, but then he began to fuck Dirk in earnest. He was precise, attentive and relentless. Again and again Todd licked at his entrance, licked his way inside, thrust into Dirk, curling against him.

Dirk felt his world narrow down to sensation again, the feeling of Todd's tongue. He barely heard as moans tumbled from his lips, he was concentrating on keeping his hips still, on keeping his legs upright. He was hot, so hot, heat consuming him. He felt a bead of sweat roll down the side of his face and Dirk mashed his cheek into the pillow again. His dick kept leaking precum, almost uncomfortably hard.

"Todd, Todd," Dirk moaned before blinking his eyes open and trying to squirm back on the bed. Todd stopped instantaneously and looked up, worried.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fantastic," Dirk assured him, pushing some hair off his forehead, "I just don't think I can take any more."

"Worried I'll make you come? It's okay Dirk, it happens. In fact, I was hoping you would."

Dirk let out a sigh of relief. Todd wasn't going to break his dick with his magic tongue.

"I," Dirk licked his lips. "I think I can manage that."

Todd smiled beatifically.

"C'mon," Todd said and hooked Dirk's legs over his shoulders, letting Dirk's ankles rest at the dip before his arse.

"Are you sure I won't – if I move – "

Todd laid a comforting hand over his hip. "Don't worry, I know how to pull back if it gets to be too much. I'll signal you with a tap, okay? Go for it." He left his hand there, spreading Dirk's cheeks with one hand instead.

"Good, good," Dirk said, at ease. He laid his head back, a small part of his brain screaming at this development. He'd just gotten Todd's permission, nay encouragement to fuck himself on Todd's tongue. He could feel himself blush even harder.

Todd went to work again and it only took about less than a minute before Dirk was almost incoherent again. Todd's tongue was unremitting and Dirk could feel his body coiling. He was strung like bow, tight and full of tension.

He let out groan as Todd curled his tongue again. With the heat rising, his dick throbbing, Dirk finally gave in and pushed back, if only an inch. He felt the sound Todd made — a pleasurable one, since he didn’t signal for Dirk to stop — right down to his toes.

Dirk continued to fuck himself on Todd's tongue and Todd let him. Pleasure rolled through his body, curling tighter and tighter. When Todd's hand moved to grip his dick, Dirk knew he was done for. A few quick strokes, made possible by the sheer amount of precum, and Dirk tipped over the edge, white hot pleasure consuming him for a few seconds. As he came down, he wondered if this what heat death felt like.

Dirk opened his eyes to find Todd sitting cross legged between his legs, wiping Dirk's come off his hands and onto Dirk’s body. It felt weird, but not unpleasant. When Todd brushed against one of his nipples, he shivered, oversensitive and thoroughly fucked out.

"That was incredible," Dirk said, his voice hoarse. Todd grinned again, obviously pleased with himself. As he should be. "It was so, so incredible, I've never – " Dirk trailed off, disregarding the rest of his babble of praise, when he saw just how hard Todd was. He had been so focused on Dirk, he hadn't even gotten himself off against the sheets.

"Let me take care of you," Dirk said, trying to sit up, his movements slow and clunky.

"I have a better idea," Todd said and rolled to the side of the bed. Dirk heard more than saw him open the draw and grab the lube. The snik of the cap was unmistakable. Todd gently manoeuvred Dirk onto his side and squirted lube between his thighs.

"Cold," Dirk complained half heatedly, too euphoric to really care.

"Won't be in a second," Todd quipped and sank his dick in between them, rubbing a trail of precum along Dirk's arse as he went.

Dirk tried to clench his legs just a little, so as to make it better for Todd. Todd moaned and gripped onto Dirk's shoulder a little roughly. Then he began thrusting in earnest.

Dirk matched his thrusts, the sound of slick slapping filling the room, drowning out the sound of Todd's pants.

It didn't take Todd long to come with a loud moan, spilling come between Dirk's legs and onto the sheets. Todd leaned against Dirk's back, one arm wrapping around Dirk's middles, fingers skating through cum. Dirk laid his hand over Todd's, content.

"We're going to have clean this up," Todd groaned, pressing his face into and a kiss onto Dirk's shoulder blade.

"Can't we just enjoy the moment for a bit longer?" Dirk said, keeping his eyes firmly shut.

"Okay," Todd said. They did just that, laying there for a few minutes, floating on the endorphin high.

Inevitably, Dirk got up, wobbled a little, but made it to the bathroom all the same. He wiped them both off with a warm, damp towel, then they both sank under the sheets together. Todd curled up behind Dirk. Dirk loved how clingy Todd was. He loved how safe and warm spooning made him feel.

Dirk rubbed his hand over Todd's arm, just on the edge of sleep.

"I love you," he said, just before finally falling asleep.

They didn't fuck the next morning, having overslept, but Todd offered Dirk one of his t-shirts, and Dirk pulled his tight trousers on again. He remembered meaning to exile them for making him fall, but that could wait until the next day.

The look Todd gave him was so affectionate, Dirk leaned forward and kissed him for a solid five minutes. A synchronised rumble of their stomachs stopped them from making themselves even later.

They ate the leftover take out for breakfast, and headed upstairs afterwards. Dirk did his best to fix his hair as Todd struggled to catch Mrs Muggles and put her in her transport box.

When Dirk emerged from the bathroom, not pleased with his hair but grudgingly okay with it, Todd still hadn’t succeeded.

“Cats really like you,” Todd commented as Dirk picked Mrs Muggles up on his first go.

Dirk shut the box and led them out of his apartment, not forgetting to lock up. 

The trip to the Doves’ home passed quickly. Todd had made it his mission to at least introduce Dirk to some of the better music out there, and today they were halfway through the fifth CD Todd had burned just for this purpose. 

This time when they rang the doorbell, the door buzzed them in before Dirk spoke into the metal grill.

“I suppose they are expecting us,” Dirk said a little skeptically. 

Four stops in the lift later, Dirk and Todd emerged to find Harriet waiting for them. 

“Hello,” Dirk said, waving with his free hand.

“Come in, come in,” Harriet said, a smile on her face. Her gaze was focused on Mrs Muggles. Harriet closed the door behind them and led them into the kitchen. 

“Put her down on the table,” Harriet said. “I’ll put some tea on.”

“Hello detectives,” Jane greeted them, her voice melodic. In contrast to Harriet’s suit, she was wearing joggers and a cable knit jumper, the sleeves of which extended over her knuckles.

She winced a little as she leaned over to open Mrs Muggles transport box, but apart from that she radiated bone deep satisfaction. 

“Hey, hey, baby,” Jane cooed, extending her palm towards Mrs Muggles, “I’ve missed you so much.” Mrs Muggles licked her palm before butting her head against it, repeatedly and affectionately.

“Me too,” Harriet said, her voice emotional. She joined Jane and stroked along Mrs Muggles back. Mrs Muggles began to purr. 

Dirk and Todd shared a look but remained quiet, not wanting to interrupt what was obviously an emotional reunion.

“I’ll get you some milk,” Harriet said, about half a minute later. She also finished preparing their tea. All four of them sat down at the table together. Jane carefully picket Mrs Muggles up and placed her in her lap, making sure to keep stroking her with one hand, the milk forgotten for now.

“We want to say thank you for returning Mrs Muggles to us,” Harriet said, her eyes wide and earnest. 

“Of course, all in a day’s work,” Dirk smiled, his hands clasped together on his lap. 

“About payment,” Todd said, “we have – ”

“I’m sorry, before you continue,” Harriet cleared her throat, “I’ve already deposited the necessary funds into your accounts along with a somewhat generous tip.”

“Wha – really?” 

“Harriet’s really missed this gal,” Jane smirked, rubbing behind Mrs Muggles’ ears.

“This, this is – ” Todd looked up from his phone, struggling to find words. Dirk leaned over and saw Todd was checking the Agency’s bank account.

“Payment for your work as detectives,” Harriet said, “and a token of our appreciation.”

Dirk and Todd stayed for tea. Dirk ended up recounting one of his many stories about his time in England, leaving all four of them in stitches of laughter. 

When they got home, they would call Farah and Amanda, who were thoroughly enjoying their road trip slash holiday with the Rowdy 3. After that, Todd would continue to teach Dirk how to play the guitar, however not without a few clumsy moments on Dirk’s part, probably. 

As it was, they drove off into the midday sunlight. They drove in silence and Dirk contemplated how much his life had changed in the past six months.

“You know how I said the universe often thrust me into killy and untoward situations?” Dirk asked suddenly.

“Yes, I can recall,” Todd answered.

“Well, I’m glad it thrust me in your direction, no matter what I have to face because of it.”

“Love you, too, Dirk,” Todd smiled, eyes on the horizon, seeing the city skyline and a bright future ahead of them. 

 


End file.
